As all of you likely know, the televised advertisements that play during the breaks in your favorite shows are very carefully selected to appeal to you. For instance, a respected company such as Crest, who manufactures and distributes toothpaste would benefit from playing commercials for their product during shows that people who like to have clean teeth watch. Hopefully I have fully clarified this point.

    This brings me to the greater point and what I hope will be the ultimate message of this entry. The shows that I choose to digitally record via DVR seem to share certain consistencies in the nature of ads that run between the meaty chunks of plot. This has helped me to further ascertain the nature of the audience with whom I share my viewing pleasure.

    First, not a section of advertising will pass without at least one ad for a telephone dating network, such as Quest, Nightline, Lava Life, etc.. In fact, the mere reason that I can name no less than three such services should stand testament to just how many advertisements for them I have fast-forwarded through over the past 12-hr timespan. It can certainly be expected that anyone up late on a week night watching syndicated episodes of Malcom in the Middle likely might have need to get on the phone and talk to local singles...remember, it's free to try!

    Second, I am also constantly bombarded by ads touting the great advantage and joy that can come from Natural Male Enhancement. As far as I can tell there are two main competitors: Extenze and Enzyte. Enzyte certainly has a recognizable campaign with the focal point being Smilin' Bob, who is apparently a happy user of Enzyte and can be seen in such roles as, Smilin' Golfer, Smilin' Racecar driver and, in their newest ad, Smilin' "Chubby" Santa. However, that said, seems that in writing this entry the name Extenze was greater plastered in my memory, likely because the name itself invokes a clear image of the drug's purpose, whereas Enzyte only makes me think of Enzymes, and Enzymes are small. But, I guess it is clear that, other audience members also enjoying the marathon of South Park Season 1 on wednesday night starting at 2am are quite possibly males with low self esteem.

    Third, television commercials have constantly posed me with the query "Does it seem like, no matter what you do, you just can't seem to get rid of EXCESS BODY FAT?" I have often wondered, even though my answer to this question is no, perhaps my answer should be yes, since I am so often found sitting in bed, eating potato chips, drinking coke, and watching old reruns of America's Funniest Home Videos in the middle of the night. Well I can say, should I ever notice a problem, I will immediately turn to Lipozene which assures me that over an 8 week study on average a whole 4.86 lb was lost on this drug and, in fact, it was shown that 80% of the 4.86 lb lost was pure body fat! Lipozene will surely help me to lose those stubborn pounds off my stomach, hips and thighs.

    Finally, I will need to first print the lyrics to a song: "I have a structured settlement and I need cash NOW....call J.G. Wentworth...877-CASHNOW. I have an annuity but I need cash NOW...call J.G. Wentworth...877-CASHNOW...877-CASHNOW...They've helped thousands...they'll help you too....one lump sum of cash, they will pay to you...If you get long term payments but you need cash NOW, call J.G. Wentworth 877-CASHNOW...877-CASHNOW....877-CASHNOW!!!! 877-CASH NOW!!!!! CALL NOW!!!!" Honestly, even though I do not have an annuity, nor do I receive long term payments and need cash now, I still have nearly picked up the phone to call, just because I am ordered to do so so vociferously. One can only conclude from the repeated airing of this ad during my favorite shows that the other viewers of MXC on Spike TV are quite willing to be duped by Mr. Wentworth in how he Net Present Value's their future payments, merely so they can spend their one lump sum of cash on an even larger television to better appreciate those complete and total wipeouts which make MXC such a masterpiece of modern television...and, to be sure, I cannot think of any better way to spend annuitized payments.

    To conclude. If Time Warner Cable keeps a careful record of all of the shows I choose to spend my time watching, they will believe me to be a middle-aged single man, who has low confidence due to a less-than-average-sized...well you know...who also feels constantly frustrated and angry that he can't seem to burn that stubborn, slightly-less-than-five pounds off his stomach, hips and thighs, but if he could just get all the money from that settlement at once instead of in quarterly payments, he might be able to purchase drugs to help with his small....self esteem, his stubborn 4.86 lb over an 8 week period and maybe even help him afford the hourly charges of meeting local singles on the phone. Yep, that's me to a tee right?

     Perhaps some of you have been eagerly awaiting this well-anticipated entry that concerns M. Night Shyamalan's latest theatrical thriller, The Happening. I might add that a close, but second-place title for this entry was "The Happening is not in fact happening."

     May this be your fair warning that, if you have not yet taken the arduous journey to the theater to take in a breath of this fine cinema and you intend to, then you best stop reading, because I will give away the twist ending: yes, I will.

 
    HERE IS THE TWIST ENDING!!!!!!!

        There is no twist ending. The Happening really was happening....and what exactly was happening? Well, the plants, as fed up as they are with all our "polluting" and "global warming" had their revenge. Plants....yes, plants, made us kill ourselves. Grass, trees, flowers, shrubberies, they are pissed and they are getting even.

      This leads me to the most pressing question I was left with upon conclusion of this movie: Which theatrical vegatation is the most threatening? Which movie-villain-plant, would I be most horrified to find waiting outside of my door with a gun/knife/neurotoxin? Which green, looming, harbinger of doom chills my bones at night the most?

THE CANDIDATES:

1. Of course, the plants from The Happening: who actively target groups of people, reverse their survival instinct and cause them to commit suicide in the most horrible of ways.

2. The sweet venus fly trap from Little Shop of Horrors.

3. The evil trees from Evil Dead who bind and potentially forcefully "enjoy themselves" with the possessed girl?

4. The hungry pizza-eating trees who threaten the Zoombinis' peaceful passage to Shelter Rock, from the children's game, Logical Journey of the Zoombinis.

5. And let us not forget, THE ENTS.

 Place your votes, and I will reveal a winner in due time.

Finally, I do plan to intend to write another entry also concerning The Happening, but that entry will be a critical analysis of all of the ways in which I imagine the world would change if in fact, plants did take up arms against us.


 

As my first entry of this type received THREE COMMENTS, the most of any entry, I have decided to succeed said entry with a SEQUEL. And, in the honor of one of the greatest movies of all time, Night of the Living Dead, should interest maintain, I will continue to rise up and consume brains (write more silly lyrics entries)

Without further adieu (sp?) NAME THAT TUNE!! 

Farewell, farewell
This evening I intend to take care of this business,
even though you will likely start an altercation,
I must say, I do not believe these past events to be appropriate,
Dear one, consider it.
In the past I cherished you in the infinite,
but you did not reciprocate in those days,
and for this reason I must depart and attempt to accomplish my deeds on my own.

It's true that I cannot withstand any longer,
verily,
I look forward to your imminent departure,
sweetums, fare thee well, fare thee well 

Bon voyage,
I have no desire to remain a knave,
or a participant in this tom-foolery you have constructed for two people,
you may despise me for it, but this is not a falsehood,
aurevoir, adios,

I don't particularly intend to bring this to a point of being physical
but it's important that I make you aware that I have become fed up,
although, you may interpret this as absurd,
I must reiterate that it is not just an illusion,
dear, farewell, farewell.

 If you have things of authenticity, then please strike me with them as you would a ball,
Presently, female, I am currently welcoming of such things,
tell to me an acceptable cause,
dear, continue
For me, the only meaning and reason for continued life is our union,
and at this point I realize lucidly,
that my continued existence, may in fact improve should you be removed from it.

I know there is no way I can really withstand any more,
it is absolutely true and not false
that I would be disposed to see you stand on the other side of that threshold,
Oh my sweet, fare thee well and good bye,
I must reiterate that I cannot in good conscience become your dunce,
or a willing participant in this game of amusement intended for only two people,
and even if it does bring you to a great aversion towards me, I cannot disprove the truth,
honey cakes, au revoir and bon voyage
I maintain that I've had no desire to make this come to blows,
I just need to be sure that you're fully aware just how fed up I have become,
no matter how foreign and crazy the idea may seem to you,
I can assure you that it is 100% not false,
dear, good bye, farewell, alviedersein (however that's spelled)

I'm certainly holding up my white flag,
I no longer can sustain myself as the sole cause of your desire,
Farewell,
I am clocking out
I'm punching my card,
I don't intend to fall short of winning, and in addition, I have had my fill of this game.

Good bye, Farewell, Vale Amici (or should I say, Inamici) 

In an effort to address the fact that there are more people who make use of the internet than just me, I am going to write a so-called "social" entry. Below is a song made popular by pop-culture in the 90's. It is not the exact lyrics, merely a paraphrase of the lyrics. It is up to YOU to name the song. Whoever can successfully name both the song title and artist will win a most desirable prize.

If this entry is a "hit" much like the song I have written it about...then more will come in the near to far future. 

 "Collective congregation, the time has come to put your body in motion. Yes, all of you, move your body back and forth, because us, gentlemen from the wrong side of town have returned. 

High almighty, we have indeed returned, you may all proclaim aloud. Not only are we are going to introduce you to our great amount of style, but we are going to teach you how to exhibit this style as well. But before we can commence instruction, you must first respond to a few simple queries. Firstly, would you agree that we are pioneers? Second, would you agree that we are unique, in fact, alone in our type? Third, would you say that we inspire in you desire and temptation? Finally would you agree that we quench your only thirst and with us you feel sated. If that is so, then please move your body back and forth in complete and utter agreement.

We will repeat again, all of you listening should now commence rocking your bodies back and forth, because we are returning from the dark alley-ways. 

 At this point, we suggest lifting your higher limbs aloft and allowing them to sway as though you have no cares in the world. If you enjoy revelry, ululate, so that we can hear you clearly. This is because we are prepared to engage in such revelry and would like for you to join us.

 But before you can join us, you must again respond to four questions. In case you have forgotten, I will list them again below:

1. True or False: we are pioneers.
2. True or False: we are unique.
3. True or False: you find us to be physically desirable.
4. True or False: we are all that is necessary for you.

If you answered true to all of the above, then now is the time for you to rock yourself back and forth in agreement.

In fact, we recommend that all of you listening do the same agreeable rocking, because we delinquents from the wrong side of town have returned.

In fact, we guarantee that as long as there is sweet strumming of melodies or whispers of songs, we shall continue to creep out from the backstreets, do not fear: and if you too enjoy this song and would like to participate in our sort of revelry, then all you must do is move your body back and forth in a rocking motion, it's that simple, yes. "